Transitions

Its been a while since I have wrote. Lots of things have happened. There have been many times where I have wanted to write, where I've tried to write, I just haven't found the words. Being a mother to two little ones isn't easy.

This year has been a year of transitions. 

In March Ben heard of a position within Young Life opening in Cranbrook, our home town, and after lots of prayer, talking to friends and family, having different staff members tell him to apply, he decided to apply. It was a fairly long process including several interviews. Finally, in May, Ben was offered the job and he eagerly said "Yes".

We originally were told they wanted us in Cranbrook by September, then August, and finally July. So we packed up all our belongings, said our goodbyes, and moved across the province. This was a very hard move for Isla as her entire world was in Nanaimo, she had friends, favourite places, and although she has traveled throughout BC plenty Nanaimo was her Home. She is not a child who is flexible to change, Calvin adapts quickly seamlessly, Isla not so much.

When we began to look into housing in Cranbrook we realized the rental market was pricey. We were looking at paying almost double for a comparable place. So after some thought, and a generous gift, and my parents offering, we decided the best plan was to stay at my parents while we put together the money needed to purchase a place.

As with all things, our plans are often not the same as God's. While we had intended on staying with my parents for four months or so - things changed. Rules and regulations around buying recently made it harder to purchase and now instead of buying this month, like we had originally intended, we are now having to wait another 4-6 months.

God loves to teach you, stretch you, and stop you from becoming to comfortable. Faith shouldn't be comfortable. Faith should push you continually.

Hebrews 11:1
Now faith is being sure we will get what we hoped for. It is being sure of what we can not see.

I am sure that we will one day get a house. I am sure God will provide us a house, and although it isn't tangible right now, I know it is there and that we will soon have a place to call home.

Transitions are HARD.
Transitions cause growing.
And sometimes we are stuck in transition for a long time, without view of the end, or without knowledge of how to get out.
God is in the transitions.

And so we will wait, God's timing is perfect.

Truth.

Yesterday. I was sitting in a group of women, completely dazed and rather hazy as the sleep deprivation was settling in. I turned to my friend and smiled, then she asked, "How are you doing?" sympathetically, as she picks up on my cues before I do sometimes and....I started to cry.

Truth. I am broken. I am exhausted. I am tired of being tired. I am NOT enough.

So often I've heard things like, "God wont give you more than you can handle." I think that is absurd. So often we are given more than we can handle and we have to humbly let go and ask him, and others, for help. So, yesterday I cried. I knew I wasn't enough. I looked into my sweet, sometimes stubborn, little girls eyes and knew that I couldn't be enough, and that is okay.

It is okay that my house is sometimes a disaster, that sandwiches are sometimes all I have to offer, that dinner isn't always ready at 5:00 and most often we eat around 6:45. I don't have to be perfect and trying to be is just too draining. Asking people for help is something that becomes necessary. So, after having a good cry and telling my friend how my once easy, sleep through the night baby had been rather hard and thought sleeping through the night was for chumps, I went home and talked to be hubby and told him I needed a break. We talked things through, and figured things out, and last night....my Isla decided to go to bed without a fuss and only woke up twice during the night.

Sometimes we need to confess we are broken, that we don't have it all figured out, and we are freed and lifted up and encouraged. And, as my friend said it, "You are now part of the mommy club." Thank God I am broken. Also, sometimes all you need is a good cry and a good friend. 

Giving Thanks.

I have grown up in a place where I always have so much to be thankful for, this year is no exception. I live a charmed life and God has poured his blessings on me, not to say we don't have heart-ache (we do) but, his blessings far outweigh the strife and struggles.

This year I am thankful for my amazing husband. He is such an amazing man, he loves me through and through. His love for our daughter is amazing. Watching him love on our child is the closest I have ever been to heaven. It truly shows me how remarkable we must be loved by our father God. He plays with her, he laughs with me, he fills my life with such love and fun. I am pleased to be able to call my husband and partner in parenting. I am thankful that I am his wife and he is my husband.

I am thankful for my daughter. That God blessed us with a child that we may teach and help her prosper and grow, and by doing so we too will prosper and grow. I am thankful that she is such a happy and content child, that she loves playing, lives for a good laugh, and enjoys people and snuggling up close to me. I am thankful that she is healthy, and that I too am healthy and have recovered from pregnancy easily without any issues.

I am thankful for her giggles, her smile, her growls, and pretty much at the sounds that come out of her. I am thankful for her curiosity, and her cleverness; I love that she excitedly learns and looks forward to trying new things. I am thankful that she is so very social and loves attention from those around her, and demands it if she isn't given it.

(the oh-so necessary photo of Isla) 

I am thankful for our amazing family. That they are so loving and supportive. That they care for us and lift us up in prayer regularly. That we were both given a loving childhood, and grew up knowing a loving God. I am thankful for the opportunity I had to be an individual and was not forced to do things because it was the "norm". I am thankful that both Ben and I had mom's and dad's that set a good example of parenthood and marriage. We are truly blessed.

I am thankful for our community. We have an amazing group of friends around us, who have essentially become family. They are fun, and full of love. They have loved on us, and on our Isla. They have opened up their home, and hearts to us. They pray for us, and listen to us, and they care about us. I am so very thankful that we have such amazing love surrounding our little family.

I am thankful that we have an amazing God that has showered us with love. We have been so blessed and I am in awe of how he has showed us how much he loves us. He has taken care of us and I am constantly thrown by how much he does for us.

What an amazing year it has been, so very filled with blessings. So much to be thankful for.

Isla is asleep as I write this.

The months have been whizzing by and I find myself dragging my feet in hopes that it will slow down. I have had no luck. Isla's first tooth popped last week as we were vacationing. I was happy we were with family because in the morning I was able to hand off my little child to my mom as I stumbled back to bed after a chaotic night of feedings every hour and crying inconsolably. I got two hours of uninterrupted sleep, it was heaven.

I sometimes feel guilty as a parent as she plays quietly on the floor and I go about my usual internet check - facebook, blogs, pinterest - should I be laying there beside her. Sometimes I put the computer down and go sit beside her look at here and watch her as she plays, sometimes I don't. Being a parent comes with a tremendous amount of guilt, you want to always do the right thing. But, we don't always know what the right thing is. Sometimes laying down on the floor beside her, watching her play and joining in when she gives me the opportunity is the right thing, sometimes it isn't. Sometimes it is okay for me to sit on the computer and let her entertain herself, sometimes it is the right thing. She needs to learn that it isn't bad to be alone, it is good to be able to play by yourself, it is good for her to find entertainment in other things besides other people. I also have to remember that it is good to be able to have an occasional mommy break and check the internet without guilt.
 
I don't want to be a helicopter parent, I want to be an engaged parent that shows genuine interest in their child but also promotes independent thought and action. I am not sure if there is a book on that, and if there is I'm not sure I'd read. I know what kind of parent I want to be so I will thrive to be that. God knows what she needs and he will give me the tools I need to parent her the way he wants me to. My job is to trust him and grow in him and pray that in doing so she will too. Right now she knows she is loved, so very loved.

Fear.

There is a lot of fear in parenting, I am really not immune. Bringing a child up in this world is not for the faint of heart, it is terrifying. Not only is this world filled with scary things, mixed up people, and difficult situations but, as a parent I am merely a human being which means I will inevitably mess up. What if I break her? Every so often when she is sleeping and before I go to bed I have to put my hand softly on her chest just to make sure she is still breathing. Yes, I can sometimes be slightly paranoid. Being responsible for the life of another wee and powerless human being is terrifying. 

That said, one can't live in fear...even when they are responsible for a whole other human being. Every evening when putting her to bed I have to trust that God will keep her safe while she sleeps. That her lungs will be strong and her body will be safe. The first month we were so cautious, Ben was so careful but, we can't tip toe around forever.

I guess what I am saying is, yes I am terrified sometimes but, I know that I'm doing my best and that for everywhere I am lacking God will be there to help me along. I wont be perfect, and she wont be perfect but we don't strive for perfection, we strive to be the best we can be, to better ourselves and improve upon ourselves. What is the point in stressing over things I have no control over anyway. I will do my best, because my best is all I can do.

We will continue doing are best and I am sure our best will get better with time but, at the moment she is thriving and we are all pretty darn happy. I have given up being anxious because it doesn't help any of us. I am sure there will be many more moments of fear but they will pass, what matters is how we react. I choose to learn from it what I can and with the rest, let it go. Hopefully as she grows I will be able to keep this mind set, I'll let you know more about fear when she is 18.


P.S. Could someone smart tell me how to get ride of that silly "image has been moved or deleted" thing at the bottom of my post? I am getting rather annoyed with it.

Traditions.

Christmas is just around the corner and I am eagerly anticipating being back home with my family. I have been looking forward to going for quite sometime now and as it draws near I gleam with excitement! It is going to be so delightful.

Christmas has always been pretty huge in my family. I want to clarify  by huge I don't mean mountains full of presents - although some years there were - I mean we did things and they were big, important, HUGE. We made traditions as children and we continued them. I hope that we are able to create the same exciting atmosphere in our household with our wee one.
It all started at the beginning of December. We would take the decorations out from the attic and we would decorate the tree, there would inevitably be an argument at some point about what should go where and which of our Angles we wanted on top. In the end though, we were all happy and we had a beautiful tree. This year my little sister, the youngest, worked hard to decorate the tree all by herself as there are only two still living at home and Paul was not that interested. I am excited to see how she put it all together.

(As per usual, we always had to make at least one snowman)

The rest of our traditions besides the random making of cookies with mom, and the drinking eggnog with dad, fell on the 24th. It started by going to Church and watching/participating in the live nativity play (or whatever show the Sunday school decided to put on that year), followed by the candle lighting and ending with desserts. We would then drive around as a family and go to the places with the best lights. By the time we got home the Fire Stations Santa was just driving past and we would all wave as he past by our windows.

The late evening was my favorite part. The first year this started by my mom giving all us kids BIG boxes, and we all decorated them to look like a Christmas village and we fell asleep in them in the basement watching Christmas Specials. It has changed a wee bit since. Unfortunately, we can't all fit in boxes anymore. Now we buy a bunch of sweets, head down stairs in our Christmas PJ's and watch our new Christmas Movies (we each get a new one every year) while trying to fall asleep in the basement as our parents wrap gifts upstairs.

I am so excited to join my brothers and sisters this year and can't wait to start creating our own traditions with the wee one next year!

What are some traditions that you have with your family? 

My Hope has come.

I am not someone who typically looks backward, I feel like it just doesn't make sense when there is so much to look forward to. Occasionally though, it is important to look back to see how far you've come. That is where I am right now.

At this time last year things were pretty hard, we were going through lots and life wasn't easy. There were moments where things looked pretty miserable. Our love for one another was strong, but there was some brokenness inside both of us. I had just recently finished a job and was working a temp position with no employment opportunity on the horizon. I was so insecure and was feeling very lack luster. I just had no idea or direction.

Ben was dealing with final exams, and papers were stacking up. He was stressed and it really didn't help that it was looking as though I was going to be coming back home after the holidays with no job.

We were both hurting. I was crying a lot. I was asking God "Why?" questioning what he was doing in our lives. Was this necessary?  To be honest, I still wonder sometimes if what we went through was necessary. We learnt through it, he held us his precious ones. Hard things come, the world isn't perfect, even God hadn't planned for it to turn out this way but, with God's strength we endure and we grow. 

Now, a year has passed. We have such amazing Hope. God has given us an amazing gift and we are so looking forward to meeting the sweet child he is working to knit together inside me. God has melted my sadness, and even in the midst of the pain last year he was teaching me to cherish the moments. 

I pray that we will remember that time of pain and build into our child the lessons we learnt during the hurt. That we will have a great affection for the moments of bliss and cherish the small things. That we will rely on God to be our strength and also allow God to build into our child those same lessons, even if it means they too have to deal with hurt. That we will give our child to God and trust him to teach this precious one. 

Enjoy. December.

December is here and Christmas is right around the corner. I love this time of the year, I love the decorations, the lights, the music, I love the crisp air and the frost around the windows. I don't even mind the mall shopping, I know I'm crazy right! I am almost all done the shopping and only have a few small things to pick up.

Months are coming and going so very quickly and so very soon our wee one will be here. There is still much to do, the nursery is a chaotic mess, there is still a lot of organizing to do around the house, and I have yet to really research maternity leave. For now though, I will try and enjoy the month, the season, and moments. We only have a few short months left of being a family of two. I know I will love my life as a family of three but how precious are these moments in our family of two.

Lets enjoy this season and remember what it really is about. A Saviour. Jesus Christ came as a baby with a plan to save us. Save me, my husband, and even my unborn child. Lets spread this amazing love, let us lead the example that God gave us through Jesus. In the hustle and bustle of the season let us remember the baby born in a barn and his gift to the world.

I pray you breath in this Christmas season and surround yourself in the love that this season is about. I hope you enjoy the baking, the parties, the stories and time with family. I hope you create and enjoy past traditions and build memories that will last a life time. Be cheerful in the line up at the stores, enjoy the moments when you are surrounded by strangers in the mall and share smiles while finding the perfect gift for a loved one. Celebrate this season!

While we will be celebrating our last Christmas as a family of two, I pray you too will Celebrate your Christmas...however you have it. Maybe you could share some traditions with me? As I am so excited about creating traditions with my wee one next Christmas.