Calvin Part. 2: a birth story

December 31st, my mom had arrived the evening of the 30th and we decided to do a quick run to the mall to gather up a few more things before baby boy arrived. While at the mall we ran into some friends of mine and I remember saying, "I've been saying the second or later, but I have resigned myself to the fact that he is likely going to arrive on my birthday." Alastair's reply, "You look far to comfortable to have the baby tomorrow...nope it's not going to happen."

That was around noon, I had my midwife appointment at 2:30 and my mom joined me. We talked about when to call, etc. and she did a quick internal to see how I was doing. We smiled talk some more then headed home. I was in the car driving home from the midwife appointment and I had a contraction, still mild but there. Once we got home Ben and I took Isla to the park just down the street and walked around a bit, swaying with contractions. I remember thinking about how it was the last time at the park with just Isla, how the next time we went we would have a little baby joining us. I was excited, and emotional. As we went for a walk my mom puttered around the house getting things cleaned and ready. 

The next few hours are a blur as a flurry of things just seemed to happen around me I was so focused I just didn't have the capacity to keep track of anything else. I remember we got Isla all ready for bed, and I began to nurse her and while nursing the contractions intensified, and came in waves. I cringed as she nursed and I so wanted her to be done, my body ached. I wanted so badly to hold her and nurse her but, at the same time my body needed to focus on birthing my baby.

Once Isla was asleep we put on Netflix and watched a show, I can't remember what, and I would sway or rock during contractions. I remember someone posting on Facebook asking if anyone was in labour, about to have the New Years baby, I followed it seeing who was but never made a comment as I didn't want family or friends to know quite yet. We were supposed to go to a New Years party that night, my mom was going to watch Isla, but had obviously had to cancel and the hostess was told, she did her best to keep it under wraps as she knew we didn't want others to announce our baby's imminent arrival. At some point in here Ben and I realize that our pump doesn't fit the pool and poor Ben had to blow up the pool all by himself, such a good loving husband.

Time ticked on and at 11:45 Ben made to call to the midwives, my contractions were lasting a minute plus and were approximately five minutes apart. Of course, once the midwife arrives Isla wakes up and my contractions start to stall out. Ben went to tend to Isla and our amazing midwife, Rhonda, gets to work setting everything up. We had yet to get water in the tub, and I am waiting for Ben to get out of Isla's room, signifying that she is asleep. Ben actually ended up falling asleep, and I was stuck stalled. As soon as Ben got out of the room my body/mind knew it was okay to keep going and that Isla was taken care of. Right away I started contracting close and intense and I remember standing in the archway to the hall saying, "I want to go into the pool." So Ben set to work with the midwives, our second - Amanda - arrived by this point, and they filled the pool.

Getting into the pool was such a relief, from this point on I don't remember much. Every few minutes Rhonda would check baby's heart rate with the dopler, Amanda was sleeping in our room...in case things went long and they would have to take turns, my mom was on a chair in our teeny living room and Ben was behind me laying across the couch. We'd sleep between contractions and once one hit I'd hold Ben's hand sway my head from side to side and moan a deep "Uuhh" (Once I started doing this I realized that this was something I also did with Isla when I was nearing transition). The lights were off in the living room with just the light from the kitchen creeping in, it was serene, it was quiet, I felt so very at ease.

It was around 6:00am that I felt the need to start pushing Rhonda checked me and said if I felt the urge to go ahead, about 10 minutes later I was actively pushing with every contraction, my mom was helping hold one leg, Ben at my head holding my hand, and Amanda holding my other leg. With Isla, pushing was hard, a chore....this time pushing was a relief. At 6:37 am on New Years Day, my little boy was born. Caught by Rhonda, brought from the water and placed on my belly. After making one small squeak he was quiet and contented right away. I remember asking if that was okay, I remembered Isla really letting us know she had lungs, and Rhonda the midwife that caught him telling me, "Yup, some babies are just quiet." 

Ben and I hadn't figured out a name yet, Ben said he had one but didn't want to share it until we were alone. Right after our little guy was born I moved into my room and relaxed in our bed as I waited to deliver the placenta. I was layered in warm blankets and my freshly born boy worked his way up to nurse. Shortly after the placenta was delivered, Ben and I in a complete daze staring at the sweet new soul that had snuggled in right against me, we had a moment. Just us. Ben said, "What do you think of the name Calvin?" and I thought it was perfect.

27/52

A Portrait of my daughter, once a week, every week, in 2014.

Isla: Touching all the flowers with the tips of your fingers as you walk past them on an early morning walk. A perfectly quite street for morning strolls.

Linking up with Jodi for The 52 Project.

26/52....and a little something more.

A Portrait of my daughter, once a week, every week, in 2014.

Isla: If you could spend your whole day picking flowers you likely would, and happily I may add. I think that may be part of the reason why your dad has yet to mow the lawn, the flowers are growing and you are so enjoying picking them.

Linking up with Jodi, for the 52 project.

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Also, a little something special. Hope you enjoy!

Catching up. 20 & 21.

The last week and a half has been chaotic and well, things happened that made posting Isla's portrait from last week fairly challenging so, I am posting two portraits today. One from this past week and one from the week before.

A Portrait of my daughter, once a week, every week, in 2014.

20/52

Isla: You may have the sweetness nap time hair I ever did see. It seems to wake up happy. Just like you!

21/52

Isla: Finally home from our crazy adventure, having fun with daddy in the front yard blowing dandelions. Mom had fun trying out pigtails in your hair for the first time.

Linking up with Jodi.


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As mentioned above this past week (+) has been a chaotic one. Last Saturday, May 17th, Isla and I left on what was supposed to be a wee weekend adventure. We were going to join Ben up at a Young Life Conference just outside of Princeton. We arrived in Princeton at around noon. Isla was happy to be out of the car and was quite enjoying all the people and new things, she was also very happy to see her dad.

Early Sunday morning, around 3am, I woke up with a LOT of pain and nausea and sat over the toilet trying to puke for about an hour. After nothing came of it I thought I'd try to get back to sleep, maybe I could sleep it off. I woke up and still felt quite ill but thought that maybe breakfast would settle my stomach. After breakfast, around 8:45am, I started walking back up to our room and ended up stopping several times because my side was aching so much.

Long story short I ended up having an emergency appendectomy that night, Sunday May 18th, at about 8:00pm.

We were very fortunate to have friends who lived in the town where I had the procedure and Ben and Isla were able to stay with them. We did the big drive home on Wednesday May 21st, and were finally back home on Thursday.

We have been so very taken care of and feel so fortunate to have such an amazing and caring community surrounding us. We are truly thankful to all those who have made this time of challenge so much easier. God has definitely shown us his love through those who have helped us through this.

19/52

A Portrait of my daughter, once a week, ever week, in 2014.

Isla: Besides being outside your favorite place is likely the window sill. You would sit there happily for hours if I let you. You are a keen observer and so enjoy watching the world around you, waving at everything that goes past our window. It is so very sweet.

Joining up with Jodi.

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We have had a busy week, I can't believe that I am so late at posting. I swear it was just Sunday. I have a whole Mothers Day post written up that I just haven't had the chance to go through and edit/post. Hopefully things will slow down soon and I can finally get a chance to catch up.

18/52

A Portrait of my daughter, once a week, every week, in 2014.

Isla: A point and a grunt in the direction of the thing you want or the place you want to go. You are becoming even more determine and strong willed, even the way you communicate.

Joining up with Jodi for the 52 project.

*     *     *     *     *

This week has been a rough one. On Monday evening Isla became feverish and was quite fussy, the fever continued for a few days peaking and falling. On Thursday she was quite listless, honestly she had just not been herself at all during the week but having her lay in my arms for almost an hour not asleep but zoned out concerned me a LOT! So to the doctors we went. He was not sure what was going on and said he would like to see about getting a urine sample. We tried that evening with no success. Friday morning I went in to get her and started nursing and I noticed a rash on her torso and back. That's when I got concerned. Up to the ER we went and after hours of trying to collect a urine sample, thankfully no UTI, we were told she most likely had Roseola, not something too concerning. So now the rash has diminished and she is slowly becoming her old self. 

Parenting and Instinct.

I remember in school often wishing that things would come easy, I'd watch my peers as they raced through schoolwork and wonder, "how do they do it?". It wasn't as though the schoolwork was particularly challenging, most of the time I understood it quite well, it just took me so long to focus and get anything done. It was that way with most things in my life, they just didn't come easy, things just were challenging. Peers were challenging. I saw my older sister make a great group of friends and I envied her wishing that would just happen for me, it didn't. As an adult I am still confounded as to how one really makes good close friendships. I was bullied, not to make light of it, so people weren't really flocking towards me asking to be my friend. All my life I so wanted something to just fall perfectly in my lap and just click.

Then something did. Something came to me and made sense to me, I got something and loved it, and I was good at it - for the most part. It's not that it was simple or easy, no it is hard, it's just that it came naturally - instinctively even.

Motherhood.

I am not one to read a bunch of parenting books, so I didn't and I haven't. I am a pretty easy going person, maybe sometimes too easy going, and so I kind of just let things fall into place. I figured out my rhythm and just did what felt right to me. I didn't follow what it said in a book, or a blog, I followed what made sense to me. Most people would probably say I fall into the method of parenting called "attachment parenting" but honestly I'd just say my method is instinctive parenting. It came as second nature to me.

I was that kid who played dolls. I named my doll, I loved my doll, I would go to the thrift stores and buy tiny little sleepers for my little boy doll. I played with dolls until I was about 15, and even after that I would occasionally pick up my doll and hold him in my room as I sat in my bed doing homework or whatnot. I dreamed of motherhood. I could practically taste it. So, once it finally happened....I wanted to breath in every moment. My daughter was held a lot, close to my heart as the rhythm soothed her. She slept in a bassinet in our room until she was seven and a half months. She was my beautiful. She was my natural. She is what I did well.

I am by no means trying to say I am a perfect mom, or that my way is the only way. I am trying to say that for once I felt at home and comfortable with my ability. I knew what I needed to do to take care of my little baby's needs, and I did it well and smoothly.

I am an observer of my child, I am a student of my child, I watch her and learn her ways as she goes about her day. I figure out her cues and I watch her take in and absorb the world around her. I don't dictate play or routine, I also don't let her parent herself, I just figure out her needs and her signs for those needs and meet them in a way that is natural. I don't push my wants upon her, that doesn't help anything as she is such a strong willed little lady already, I observe her behaviour and mood and set a pace that makes sense for the day.

She is my natural.

17/52

A Portrait of my daughter, once a week, every week, in 2014

Isla: I love receiving packages in the mail, especially the ones from my mom and sister. Isla loves playing with the pretty paper they are wrapped in. 

Linking up with Jodi for the 52 project.

16/52

A Portrait of my daughter, once a week, every week, in 2014.

Isla: You love being outside. The moment the door opens you light up and a giggle pours out of you, eager to explore. 


Joining with Jodi for the 52 project.

Diapers, Rashes, and Why I Am So Glad We Choose Cloth.

When I was pregnant I knew pretty much right away that I wanted to cloth diaper. It was the least expensive option for us and with my skin being so sensitive I didn't want to put my baby in a diaper that would likely irritate it's skin. I did lots of research and I tried to figure out which cloth diaper would best suit us, in the end my mom decided to sew us a bunch of fitted pocket diapers and I lucked out. I was quite determine to make it work and we started Isla in cloth diapers a few days after we got home from the hospital.

I had some people that didn't think I would last but, my mom had sewn so many I didn't want to waste her efforts, and honestly I didn't find it to be much of an inconvenience at all. A little extra laundry sure, but I actually kind of enjoyed the diaper laundry, it was simple and small and cute.

I loved the diapers my mom made but I eventually found, as Isla got older, that I needed something a little extra at night. I tried stuffing my mom's diapers more but they got bulky fast. I eventually went to a local store and checked out the different options they had and picked up a few different diapers to try out, some bamboo prefolds, and a bunch of fleece stay dry liners.

I figured out which diapers I liked best for night time, which diapers allowed the most movement during the day, which diapers were easiest when we were out and about, and which diapers were easiest to wash while traveling. We got into a rhythm.

THEN...Isla got ringworm, and I had to start using a heavy duty cream that I couldn't use against the cloth diapers. So I thought, "hey I'll just start using disposable liners!", they are an easy solution for avoiding wrecking diapers and they make poop clean up more manageable. The doctor said that I should use the cream for about 4 weeks, the rash should be pretty much gone by two but continue to make sure it is absolutely gone. Seven weeks later Isla still had a rash, I was out of idea's and we had almost used up the entire HUGE tube of cream.
Okay.
Alright.
Try something else.
On to penaten. A week later it was looking a bit better but not 100%, and I was still using disposable liners. I was feeling pretty done and I so wanted to just have my baby girls bum feel better.
On top of all that I had done strip load upon strip load of laundry to make sure that if there was any bacteria on the diapers or any sort of build up causing issues, they wouldn't continue. After almost three months of bum rash, three days ago I decided to stop using the disposable liners and switch to a diaper friendly barrier cream. Um....I feel stupid, how did it take that long to figure it out. My poor wee child is sensitive to the disposable liners. Not to say she didn't have ringworm, I am pretty sure she did as her rash changed. I think that the ringworm got better but her rash never left because her poor bottom was reacting to the liners.

So, three days later and her bottom is almost all better and I am so thankful that we decided to cloth diaper. We have been so lucky to have it really cost us very little, my mom is wonderful and made most of them, besides that we were given a few from friends and I purchased just a few different things here and there because really, cloth diapers are so cute there are just moments I can't help myself.

If you have any questions regarding cloth diapering feel free to comment and ask them, or message me. I am by no means a pro but I have experience.

15/52

A Portrait of my daughter, once a week, every week, in 2014.

Isla: An evening just the two of us and you were being so sweet, so I let you stay up and and we sat in the back yard enjoying the last flicker of the sun. You snuggled into your blanket and tested out the grass with your fingers. It was a rather perfect moment just you and I.

Joining up with Jodi in the 52 project.

14/52

A Portrait of my daughter, once a week, every week, in 2014

Isla: I left the door open to the bathroom for a brief moment and you ceased the opportunity to explore. You are full of curiosity and I so love watching you observe and examine the world around you, taking every chance possible to explore your surroundings. I love your curious nature.

Joining Jodi in the 52 project.

(I plan on writing a blog post soon, I just have been so busy chasing after this wee child of mine. Soon though.)

13/52

A Portrait of my daughter, once a week, every week, in 2014.

Isla: You were so sweet sitting on your chair, you only stayed there a few seconds before wiggling your way off and venturing into our yard some more.

I had planned to put up a different photo as I completely forgot about this one, it was taken at the beginning of the week during a quick moment outside, I am glad I scrolled through and re-found this one. Watching. She is always watching, my wee observer learning and as she watches keenly.

Joining Jodi for this weeks photo linkup.

12/52

A Portrait of my daughter, once a week, every week, in 2014.

Isla: this week you have needed mommy more. You are going through some major developmental leaps and if it means more snuggles for me I am all for it, my dear snuggly little girl.


linking up with jodi for the 52 project.

One

One. (plus some, I know this is a wee bit late)

One year since my world changed forever for the better and my heart grew in a way I couldn't have imagined even possible.

One year since I watched the man I loved become a father and take on the roll with such remarkable love and pride. He was so taken by his daughter his eyes were misty for days, and he would just hold her and gaze at her, his heart was so full of love and watching him with our daughter filled my heart.

One year. I have been a mother for one year.

I will treasure this year forever. The biggest, most remarkable, year of change in my life and a first I will never again encounter. I have joined a new tribe, the tribe of motherhood. How special this year has been.

One year of doing anything to get a smile, or better yet a giggle.

One year of nursing and providing my child with nourishment.

One year of falling in love all over again, not only to my sweet daughter but to my husband as I watched him grow into his roll of father. Nothing is better then watching my husband nurture our daughter.

One year of diaper laundry and happily folding tiny socks, although I can't say I am close to on top of my own laundry.

One year of sunshiny smiles in the morning, as if to say, "mommy! I've been looking forward to seeing you ALL night!"

One year of Isla.

Isla. My sweet, affectionate, mischievous, strong-willed, social, clever, contemplative, happy, smiley, little girl.

To be a mother is such a deep connection, rooted in an almost instinctual love. When I see her, watch her, attend to her, it is as if I am doing all that to myself as well. She is such a part of me now it is hard to see myself without.

One year of bitter sweet moments as my tiny baby passes milestones. I draw in a breath of excitement and breath out a sigh of nostalgic sadness, oh how my wee baby has grown. Time passes so quickly, each moment is so fleeting.

I have been told that there is a lot to look forward to, and I have an understanding that that is true but, I also know that living in each moment and breathing each moment in is really what I want to do. Why would I look forward to the future when I am loving each moment in the present. What is at one point the future will eventually became the present and I can enjoy it thoroughly then. I don't need to hurry my baby, I don't need to push her to grow up, I would much rather watch her and learn from her as she observes the world around her and learns and grows.

My dear daughter,

You have taught me more in this one year then life has taught me in any others.

You are my sunshine.

You brighten my day and lift my spirit without even knowing, one smile, a giggle, a coo. You are a blissful interruption to business and a constant reminder to slow down.

You are spirited and spunky. The way you push your bedroom door open and crawl towards the stereo ready to dance, occasionally stopping to pull the diapers out of their cupboard, makes my heart sing. I hope you always enjoy dancing the way you do now!

You are strong willed and know what you want. You are confident. Don't ever let anyone make you believe this is a bad quality, it will push you to continue and give you strength when it is hard.

You are affectionate and nurturing. You give hugs so freely and kisses now too. You pat us on the back and when you see another baby crying you become very concerned.

You are mine, and will forever be. You are part of me and I will never stop loving you. You are written in my heart and on my body, you are my daughter and I love you forever.

11/52

A portrait of my daughter, once a week, every week, in 2014.

Isla: for some reason this portrait just seems like the epitome of toddlerhood - which I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that you are now more a toddler than a baby - the overalls, the ducky onesie, the expression, you are just looking so much more grown up and it blows me away. 

10/52

A portrait of my daughter, once a week, every week, in 2014.

Isla: gnawing on a sippy cup. This week has been a wee bit rough, you have been feeling off since Thursday and been fairly fussy, but boy do you find pleasure in your sippy cup. Not necessarily for it's purpose of hydration but more for the fact that it is really nice to chew on.

This post is a wee bit later than I meant for it to be but it has been a busy week. Isla had her first birthday on March 8th, I am working on a post for that, and with her being off I just haven't managed to keep up as well as I would have liked. Here it is though, I did manage to get it up this week!

9/52

A Portrait of my daughter, once a week, every week, in 2014.

Isla: A wee game of catch with grandma. There are a lot of different photographs I could have used this week but when your grandma showed me this one that grandpa took of you I knew it was the one. This is your smile, and has been forever. My dear you smile with your entire body, a trait you may have gotten from me. You radiate this pure bliss and when people see you smile like this they just can't help but smile too. Keep on smiling my love, the world smiles with you.

Pacing.

(written on Thursday, February 13, 2014) 

the ground beneath me is sinking as I pound my feet walking back and forth, hoping my wee child will eventually grow tired and exhale a deep sigh, casting relief on both of us.

Her poor body trembles in my arms as it suffers its first cold. Her wee lungs cough and her body shakes, what is she to do with this new and unpleasant sensation. She cries and big tears roll down her cheeks, I pace.

Back and forth.

Back and forth.

I rub her back whispering sweet nothings in her ear. I tell her she is so very loved. Singing as I sway and walk.

4:30 am quickly rolls through and becomes 6:30 and I finally am able to lay her head to rest in her bed. My legs are stiff, aching, tired. My body longs for rest. I walk to my room and lay myself out on the bed, sleep falls upon me like gravity and all to quickly is taken away.

A cough.

A cry.

My baby awakes. Again she heaves her aching lungs and fills the house with her own little earthquake. I roll over hoping I just imagined such a sound. Again she cries. I force myself out of bed, her cries pull me to her room. She sees me and her face fills with relief as she heaves heavy breaths, her bottom lip bulges in the most heart wrenching pout. 
I rock her in my arms.

Back and forth. 

As we walk the small hall back to my bedroom. She pulls herself into me nestling her head against my chest, and nurses. She is rhythmic. Her poor nose so congested she struggles as she nurses, latching and re-latching as she soothes herself with my milk. I stroke her hair and cheek, damp with tears and sweat. It was a hard night. As she nurses she slowly slips back to sleep. She is mine, I am hers.

8/52

A Portrait of my daughter, once a week, every week, in 2014

Isla: This photo captures you so perfectly. You are such a happy baby with such zest for life. You start each day so eagerly and find such fun in the simplest of things. I hope you never lose this excitement and enthusiasm for life.

We call this wee corner in our house, where all the doors meet, Isla's corner. It seems to be her favourite place in our house. She sits in the corner babbling to herself laughing and smiling as she crawls from door to door knocking on them and trying to push them open. If dad or mom are behind one of the doors she babbles as them and smiles when we respond then continues to knock and babble at us. It is one of the sweetest things and it keeps her so entertained for so long. I am truly enjoying this stage of discovery and so love the way she is so excited about everything around her. She brings me such joy.