I Am A Mother.

I remember being young and drawing pictures of what I wanted my family to look like when I was older.
My Husband.
My Children.
MANY Children.
the order, the age gap, the gender, the names. I would draw and I would image and I would dream.
I was a bit of an idealist, I'm still a bit of an idealist.
But,
Oh did I ever want to be a mother.

Now, here I am and I can say that - without a doubt - my dream has come true. I am a mother. It may not look exactly like the pictures I drew when I was young but, it is so much better.
Yes. There are days that are rough, there are days where I lose myself in the chaos that surrounds me, times where I clean up the same mess about a dozen times; There is diapers to be laundered, clothes to be folded, meals to be made, but that love...oh that love, it is all encompassing. The love for my child is more than I ever imagined. The way she smiles when I enter her room in the morning, how her sad sobs break my heart, how she knocks on the bathroom door when I'm bathing...expecting an invite.

I am not trying to say that being a mother is an easy job, I am not trying to down play any difficulty, because there is a lot, I'm saying that even if it is the most challenging job you will ever have it is the job you will love the most.

I often feel very blessed to be so lucky. There are many women out there that would love to be able to be a mother, there are many women who wish that they could be pregnant, women who are going through infertility, women who are looking into adoption, there are so many who long to be mothers. My heartaches for them, as they are mothers...they just have yet to hold their child. 

So to all the mothers out there
ALL of them (those trying to conceive, those going through a loss, those going through adoption, those that are young, those that are old, those who have mothered many through foster care, and those who are blessed to hold their child.)

Happy (late) Mothers Day! You are a Mother.

19/52

A Portrait of my daughter, once a week, ever week, in 2014.

Isla: Besides being outside your favorite place is likely the window sill. You would sit there happily for hours if I let you. You are a keen observer and so enjoy watching the world around you, waving at everything that goes past our window. It is so very sweet.

Joining up with Jodi.

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We have had a busy week, I can't believe that I am so late at posting. I swear it was just Sunday. I have a whole Mothers Day post written up that I just haven't had the chance to go through and edit/post. Hopefully things will slow down soon and I can finally get a chance to catch up.

18/52

A Portrait of my daughter, once a week, every week, in 2014.

Isla: A point and a grunt in the direction of the thing you want or the place you want to go. You are becoming even more determine and strong willed, even the way you communicate.

Joining up with Jodi for the 52 project.

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This week has been a rough one. On Monday evening Isla became feverish and was quite fussy, the fever continued for a few days peaking and falling. On Thursday she was quite listless, honestly she had just not been herself at all during the week but having her lay in my arms for almost an hour not asleep but zoned out concerned me a LOT! So to the doctors we went. He was not sure what was going on and said he would like to see about getting a urine sample. We tried that evening with no success. Friday morning I went in to get her and started nursing and I noticed a rash on her torso and back. That's when I got concerned. Up to the ER we went and after hours of trying to collect a urine sample, thankfully no UTI, we were told she most likely had Roseola, not something too concerning. So now the rash has diminished and she is slowly becoming her old self. 

Parenting and Instinct.

I remember in school often wishing that things would come easy, I'd watch my peers as they raced through schoolwork and wonder, "how do they do it?". It wasn't as though the schoolwork was particularly challenging, most of the time I understood it quite well, it just took me so long to focus and get anything done. It was that way with most things in my life, they just didn't come easy, things just were challenging. Peers were challenging. I saw my older sister make a great group of friends and I envied her wishing that would just happen for me, it didn't. As an adult I am still confounded as to how one really makes good close friendships. I was bullied, not to make light of it, so people weren't really flocking towards me asking to be my friend. All my life I so wanted something to just fall perfectly in my lap and just click.

Then something did. Something came to me and made sense to me, I got something and loved it, and I was good at it - for the most part. It's not that it was simple or easy, no it is hard, it's just that it came naturally - instinctively even.

Motherhood.

I am not one to read a bunch of parenting books, so I didn't and I haven't. I am a pretty easy going person, maybe sometimes too easy going, and so I kind of just let things fall into place. I figured out my rhythm and just did what felt right to me. I didn't follow what it said in a book, or a blog, I followed what made sense to me. Most people would probably say I fall into the method of parenting called "attachment parenting" but honestly I'd just say my method is instinctive parenting. It came as second nature to me.

I was that kid who played dolls. I named my doll, I loved my doll, I would go to the thrift stores and buy tiny little sleepers for my little boy doll. I played with dolls until I was about 15, and even after that I would occasionally pick up my doll and hold him in my room as I sat in my bed doing homework or whatnot. I dreamed of motherhood. I could practically taste it. So, once it finally happened....I wanted to breath in every moment. My daughter was held a lot, close to my heart as the rhythm soothed her. She slept in a bassinet in our room until she was seven and a half months. She was my beautiful. She was my natural. She is what I did well.

I am by no means trying to say I am a perfect mom, or that my way is the only way. I am trying to say that for once I felt at home and comfortable with my ability. I knew what I needed to do to take care of my little baby's needs, and I did it well and smoothly.

I am an observer of my child, I am a student of my child, I watch her and learn her ways as she goes about her day. I figure out her cues and I watch her take in and absorb the world around her. I don't dictate play or routine, I also don't let her parent herself, I just figure out her needs and her signs for those needs and meet them in a way that is natural. I don't push my wants upon her, that doesn't help anything as she is such a strong willed little lady already, I observe her behaviour and mood and set a pace that makes sense for the day.

She is my natural.

17/52

A Portrait of my daughter, once a week, every week, in 2014

Isla: I love receiving packages in the mail, especially the ones from my mom and sister. Isla loves playing with the pretty paper they are wrapped in. 

Linking up with Jodi for the 52 project.