Saturday, September 24, 2011

In regards.

I remember the day I decided to start a blog I really had no reason to start other than the fact that I admired those who had blogs and I though, well it isn't that hard to get into doing the same. I remember writing that I would be completely authentic in what I write and I believe that I have been. I am inspired by honesty and those who are authentic. That said, I do believe it is important to have a sense of anonymity as well and I have not allowed myself to give people, including myself, away in a way that would cause them grief. 

I am an open book type person. People can tell within seconds how I am doing; People can read me in a way that sometimes causes me to be uncomfortable, yet I don't know how to change this about myself. My mother has always said that I am completely authentic and am completely unable to put up an act. I just can't do it. So I write what I mean. I don't sugar coat it, I don't put drama into it, I write it in reality to me.

I still want to have a bit of anonymity, so there are things I will not disclose. Most of the time I still write how I feel, I just don't always say why. I just thought I needed to have this all out there in writing.


Friday, September 23, 2011

just some words.

Sometimes I feel like I have to have a reason to write other than the fact that I want to write. I sometimes feel like I have to have something smart to say or some sort of epiphany. I know it is silly, who has those kind of moments on a regular basis. So today I am writing because I want to write. I may not write something of meaning but, I will write.

I am exhausted, and have been for days. Getting back to routine is hard and has taken it's toll on me. I am sick with a cold. You can find me sniffing and sneezing while slowly piling tissues around me. My eyes are puffy, and rather itchy. My nose is redder than usual, which means I looks something like a clown. I am rather pale, I went from my normal eggshell color to an ivory. You will catch me blinking myself awake every few minutes. Yet, I am feeling blessed to even have this be a situation because a few weeks back I didn't even know if I had a job. So I am happily excepting this illness and trying really hard not to allow myself to get grumpy because in all honesty being sick is a good thing, it means I am back with the kids getting sick from them and getting paid for it.
I am missing my mom. She is super busy and has dove into a new thing and is loving it. I just can never get a hold of her and it is starting to get me. I can only go so long without talking to her, I will eventually go a wee bit crazy, lets hope it doesn't get to that point. 

We used to have such a hard time carrying a conversation because we were so similar we would butt heads all the time. Now though, she is probably one of my closest friends. Not to say we don't have a mother-daughter relationship, we do, it is just so much more than that. I miss her.

Talking about missing people reminds me of my girls. I've mentioned here and there about how I volunteer the an organization called Young Life, well I really miss the girls from my old town who I mentored and eventually built friendships with. I will never forget them. All of them have had an important impact in my life and I can only hope I've had a positive impact on their lives as well. All of them have grown so much and it has been a pleasure and a blessing to watch them grow from girls into women. 
I miss them. They are all so beautiful, both inside and out. I miss photographing them. Some have been part of my life for five years, some two, some less, all have impacted my life. Not only have I watched them grow but, they too have watched me grow. Many saw Ben and I's relationship go from friends, to dating, to engaged and attended my wedding. Some, are putting bets on when we will have our first child. I miss them, I miss talking about life with them. I miss hearing about what they are doing, planning, thinking, feeling, I miss them.
Happy Friday. Have a fabulous weekend. I enjoy writing about my thoughts and letting them trail off into words. Thanks.

Sunday, September 11, 2011

The Last Week of Summer.

I know that technically summer doesn't end till September 23rd. Once school starts though summer seems to quickly dwindle away into sweet nothingness and we are left waiting till the quiet signs of the next summer. Oh, how I wish summer could last just a little longer and that reality would slowly emerge rather than hit me hard in the forehead. Sadly, the first week of school - Ben's school - passed and it hit rather hard. 

There is now a new array of books piled throughout the house, littering the carpet and bed; I know that slowly they will start taking over and I will soon have to compete for any attention. Binders are stacked, the desk is fairly organized and instead of talking about different adventures we are talking about school schedules and supplies. Is it alright to say that I look forward to it being the end come April? Not to say I hate this phase I really don't, this phase has probably done us the most growing, I just look forward to it being over and starting on a new one.

All said, we did spend the last "not real" week of summer in a grand way. We went somewhere that has become a tradition of ours. We have gone there every summer we have been together. We spent the last week of summer at my grandparents cabin. Typically we have gone alone, because typically a vacation means going out of town leave those in town behind, but this year we met up with my family. It was joyous! 

(Starting Left: Paul,17, Michael,19, Me, Kirsten,24, Jessica,15, and Toby the dog)

We spent our time lazing about the cabin reading and playing games, occasionally taking a quick dip in the lake, and we even had a campfire. The sweet smell of smoke combine with the sweet taste of s' good. We sipped beers, ate Oreo's, and just genuinely enjoyed one another's company. It was pure bliss. I even got to enjoy a good gushy romance novel without feeling too guilty about it!

So now that we are back to reality and things are beginning to sink in, stress is higher, life is faster, and things need to be done, I can occasionally stop take a deep breath and know that I spent my "not last" week of summer enjoying the best company out family. I can close my eyes and remember Ben playing the guitar as we tried to sing "Free Falling" by Tom Petty. I can remember running off the dock and feeling the cool water sink over my body and that moment of weightlessness as my body slowly rises to the surface searching for sunlight. I can smell the sweet fragrance that comes to me when I take my first step into the cabin. I can remember these things and be taken back there just for that moment then, when I come back to reality, I can let that stress melt off me and feel least for a little while.