Saturday, April 30, 2011

Simple Things.

(written on Wednesday)

I am going to be completely open here. These past few days have been horrid. Yesterday I was drained, completely. I spent a whole day with a child who had tantrum after tantrum screaming for me to "LEAVE!". I was stressed. I wasn't sure how on earth we would be able to make all the payments necessary to keep up. On top of my own stresses I have been carrying my husbands, who is stressed out of his mind as he has much to do before classes are done. On top of all of that I have been feeling alone, much to do with the fact that my husband has withdrawn into study mode. I have been in a slump and I really couldn't see much past it.

Oh....and did I mention that it is time for taxes?! Taxes have been stressing me out, and I have been putting them off. I remember as a child how in April we had to leave my dad alone as he sat hunched over at the table pressing buttons on a calculator figuring everything out, and so now I stress unnecessarily. So today we got everything put together and headed off to H and R Block. We sat nervously in the tiny cubical as a lovely lady (really she was the sweetest woman EVER, I hope we get her next year) crunched numbers and figured out our taxes for us. I was rubbing my hands like a crazy nervous person.

This is why I know we have an amazing God looking after us. I was sure that since I am self-employed, as of this past October, I was going to be owing. God must love me because he knew we couldn't pay for anything at this moment, we can barely pay for groceries, I was not owing anything. In fact, I got a lovely tax return and because of this we are going to be able to pay for everything we have to. It is crazy how something so simple can change ones day.

Simple things can bring such joy. I feel so blessed to have a God that loves me and cares about how I am doing. I am so thankful for these simple things.

Saturday, April 23, 2011


These past few months I have been working hard and at first going on the treadmill was a dreaded task. I would walk to the back of the gym to the treadmill in the far corner and get going but, before I could even manage that I'd have to make sure there was no one on the one beside "mine". Before I even left the change room I'd have my music in so that I could avoid talking to people and people would avoid talking to me. The only reason I ever went back on the treadmill was because I always felt like I accomplished something. I am loving it. I look forward to getting to the gym, I enjoy putting on my runners, stepping onto the treadmill and running. No I don't get the breeze going through my hair, smell the flowers, see the daisies type of experience but when a song comes on and I like it I smile. I am proud of what I've done, and how far I've come. I no longer huff and puff like crazy, self-consciously running in the corner, hoping no one notices me. Although, I prefer not talking to people, I like running, I feel so much better in my own skin, and can I just say wow, that rush. I am still feeling a little buzzed from my run tonight.

I'm Running.

Friday, April 22, 2011


I am one of those people who loves small adventures. I remember as a child watching a children's movie called Serendipity, I know there is a romantic comedy called that too but it is not the one I am talking about. It was about a little boy, who was on an expedition with his parents and somehow the ship they are on gets into a wreck and he ends up on a floating egg type thing and gets to a tropical island. The island is filled with small creatures that talk and have these neat little houses etc. Anyway, I remember as a child pretending I was on adventures like that. Kinda The-Swiss-Family-Robinson-esque. I am one of those people who has this imagination and need to try and recreate it.

I have this list full of things I want to do. Most of the things aren't hard tasks but, before I do them I want to be wearing the perfect dress, or have the perfect picnic basket (Which by the way I have now), or the perfect quilt. I want to be able to take a picture of it that looks as though it could be in a magazine. That said, with those few adventures I have such particular needs for I also have ones that I don't have needs for and this last weekend I got to do some of them.

Is that not absolutely stunning, I only live an hour away from here. Someday I will come back to this place, and I will be wearing the perfect picnic dress and have the perfect picnic quilt, and me and my future littles will sit and enjoy watching the kite surfers, and perhaps we will bring a kite to fly in the sky. Till then though, look at that view!

I tried to make it so I could capture all the kite surfers but, they are hard to see. There were a ton of them.

We also went to this miniature land with the most amazing re-creations of places in the world and different times in the world, and also some really neat miniature fantasies. It was perfect. I felt like a child as my eyes leaped from one thing to another. It was a most lovely adventure, and I was wearing the most perfect outfit for it.

(this is a miniature re-creation of part of WWII)

"We should come home from adventures, and perils, and discoveries every day with new experience and character."
-Henry David Thoreau

Thursday, April 7, 2011

The Window

You know those moments where you are left with your mouth agape, as if a door has been slammed close right in your face. I had one of those, left completely overwhelmed. I wasn't confused, bewildered, it made sense but it took me by surprise and I was at a loss.

This is typically the time I start looking for a window.
Before I could start looking, I had to cry. I cried, I mourned, I wept, I was a broken record of quick sucking of air in - huff puff - long slow release airy "ahh" for a few hours yesterday. I sat in my pj's either on my couch or in my bed with my lovely rather red tear stained face for a long time. 

I am in a familiar place and I am not liking it, it seems like only a few days ago I was here, it looks the same, but feels different. It is sadder this time. And although it is familiar, I am lost in it and I am getting taken in by it rather than ride through and continuing. It feels like to much. 

I'm not sure if I am ready to start looking for a window quite yet but I am thinking I may have to make myself ready. I need to keep going and as much as I'd love to sit in my misery just a little longer I don't think I can do that. It would be rather unfair to my hubby and well, lets be honest, it isn't really fair to myself either.

"We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as impossible situations."  -Charles R. Swindoll

Saturday, April 2, 2011

My Journey

I've been meaning to post, really I have, but every time I sit down to type I feel so uninspired. Today isn't really any different except, except that this morning I feel like I have accomplished something so I am going to post about it.

I thought I would start with a little background into my life. As a child growing up I was fairly small for my age. In my primary grades I was fairly close to average but around fifth grade I was sitting around the 5th percentile for my weight. I was pretty tiny and my mom was worried.

The doctor sent me for testing, I was tested for everything. Looking back my mom thinks I may have had some sort of auto-immune disorder. All this said, I was skinny and my peers started talking, some called me anorexic, bulimic, others just decided I was too skinny to be friends with. Often times I was the only girl who wasn't invited to birthday parties, and kids would moan when they had to have their desks beside mine.

(my sister and I practicing our long jump, she is the one in the air, I am the one landing)

I struggled with my weight for years. I could never keep weight on me and had the hardest time getting to a healthy weight. The Christmas of my grad year I was 5'6" and sitting right around 100lbs, possibly less. I had learned that to be healthy I had to eat a LOT, and yes that was true when I was a child but, soon after I turned twenty things changed and my body started to hold weight. Sadly I didn't know how to eat properly and how to retain a healthy weight because my whole life I had never really learned, I was just told I had to eat more.

So From there:

A year ago today was a very difficult time. I had lost a job a few months prior and was working a very temporary job. I was at my heaviest. I was 160 (plus) pounds, I was very self-conscious. I wasn't healthy and had gained almost 30 pounds in only 6 months. 

Today I can say that I am healthy. I have been working on it for months and have cut a lot of unhealthy habits out of my life, namely coke and fast-food. I am going to the gym regularly and am finally starting to feel good about my appearance and on the whole feel healthy. I am now down to 141 pounds and in the last month alone lost 5 inches from my body. I still have a long way to go, but I have come far and feel so much stronger for it.

"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams."
-Eleanor Roosevelt