Friday, December 24, 2010

Four Years Ago...(and one day)

Four years ago today I was looking for an excuse to get out of a party. Four years ago today Ben willing obliged saying he'd love to be my reason to leave. Four years today ago I bundled up and left a party early nervously and anxiously walking to his house in the snow. Four years ago today our journey together started. 

(our first picture together. or second)

It is hard to believe how much has happened in the last four years. How these past few years have taken us through so much, teaching us, showing us, and amazing us in ways we would have never thought. I feel so privileged to be able to be with this man and travel with him and hold his hand through the journey.

Since that fateful day four years ago I've had more adventures and gone more places than I ever had before.  Our relationship not only survived the many stresses life threw at us, it blossomed and flourished through it all. Ben was able to love me at my worst and handle me at my craziest, and never because he had to, always because he wanted to.

I am completely head-over-heels. There are moments where it all seems so surreal, like I am stuck in some fantastic dream. How did I get here? How am I so lucky? Yes there have been struggles, as there always is, but those pass and I am left with this man, this fantastic man, who brings me pure joy. I am so blessed to be here, to be in love, and to be loved so completely.

I am very blessed and I am totally loving my life. 

"Let your mind start a journey thru a strange new world. Leave all your thoughts of the world you knew before. Let your soul take you where you long to be...Close your eyes and let your spirit start to soar, and you'll live as you never lived before" -Enrich Fromm

Monday, December 13, 2010

Choosing Happiness.

I sometimes feel that before I write things down on my blog I have to come up with some sort of wisdom. I have to figure something out, become wiser in some way, then write about it. Well, today I haven't figured anything out, I wouldn't say I am any wiser than I was yesterday, today I just wanted to write and so, that is what I am doing.

As previous posts have mentioned the last little while hasn't exactly been easy, in many ways it actually has been quite difficult. Ben has been so busy and stressed with school that I ended up taking on many of his feels and was also quite stressed. So the end of his final papers and first exam was greatly anticipated last week. Oh how excited I was last Friday to finally be able to have a weekend with my husband. Friday was great! We went over to my in-laws and spent the evening watching Christmas movies and eating lots of yummy food and slept over. Saturday morning was splendid, we went for a walk, had an amazing breakfast, and were finally able to sleep in. The afternoon was quite busy for me and my darling hubby promised that we'd have the day just the two of us on Sunday. Well lets just say Sunday didn't go as planned.

I was so irritable. Everything was bugging me, not only that but I had a wee-bit higher expectations than Ben did when it came to having a day together. Sunday was a bomb. I, in many ways, made it be that way. That said at the end of the day I was happy and crawled into bed with someone who loved me.

Maybe today when I get back home I can have a lovely evening with my hubby. Maybe we can watch a movie? Maybe he has planned something, if not we are still going to have a splendid time, I will make it splendid. Today I will choose Happiness. Because really that is all happiness is, it is a choice.

Most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be. 
                                                                                  - Abraham Lincoln

Thursday, December 9, 2010

It is almost over...

In just a few days I will be getting my husband back from what one may call the hellish cavern of finals. I am so looking forward to it. I feel as though it will be one of those hallelujah moments! The clouds will part, the sun will shine, angels will start singing, it will be beautiful!

I can't wait! I can't wait to have him back all to myself....if only for a week or two. Maybe in the midst of the angels singing unicorns will indeed start pooping rainbows. He is my best Christmas gift, and this Christmas Eve will mark four years of us being together. I just can't wait for him to be back to his normal self.

I feel so fortunate to have this amazing man in my life. I really lucked out. He is such a loving man who genuinely cares about people. He is so authentic and I love that about him, and in just a few more days he is going to be mine again!

Accustom yourself continually to make many acts of love, for they enkindle and melt the soul.

-Mother Teresa

Saturday, December 4, 2010

and now....

things keep moving. It is crazy how in one moment we can be completely distraught and lost and soon, soon life turns around and we are all better. It is as if mom has kissed our boo-boo and now we are 100%. I am a resilient person. I am brilliant at bouncing back. That said, as brilliant as I bounce back sometimes things take a little longer to patch up than I would like. Yes, I am pretty good at being Mrs.Optimistic. Yes, there have been a ton of moments where I can smile and laugh and pretend as if nothing is the matter....not even pretend, I guess more live in the moment but, at the end of the day my heart is burdened and I feel it again. This is going to take time, my mom can't kiss this boo-boo gone. This is a fight, this is real, and this is hard. It will be won though, and I will be smiling the whole time as I cheer on! While this race is going though I am going to savor every sweet drop! Oh, this will be honey. 

Things will get fixed. This boo-boo may leave a scar but, it will get better. And hey, what is the point of getting hurt if you don't have an awesome battle wound to show for it!

Things may not be perfect but really, who wants perfection, perfection is boring, there is nothing to strive for. I'm striving for something, I'm not sure what yet, but hey I'm striving!

I'll keep you posted on how that is progressing.

"Give me the comma of imperfect striving, thus to find zest in the immediate living. Ever the reaching but never the gaining, ever the climbing but never the attaining of the mountain top."
-Winston Graham

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Jeremiah 29:11

"For I know the plans I have for you" declares the LORD,"plans for wholeness and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope."

These past few weeks have been difficult, to put it lightly. There has been a lot of pain and hurt (I am not going to go into a great amount of detail). It is hard not to feel broken when everything is falling down around you. 

Life's stresses have been climbing higher and higher and I have been suffocating beneath them. It's as if I am drowning in an ocean and there is a boat right beside me I just can't pull my body up into it. The thing that is even more difficult is I am just a bystander to this whole thing. I'm secondary in this fight. I am watching someone else suffer through the anxiety of life and I am taking it all on myself. And, there is nothing I can do to make it better.

So, why the passage? Why on earth would I pick a verse that talks about a future and a hope? Because I have hope for a future and although I feel broke I know there is wholeness in God. He is there and he is so willing to help, and does, I just sometimes am so broken I can't see it. We will get through this, we will learn, we will progress, things will get better, and in the end we will be better for this. 

Just sometimes it is hard to be positive when everything around you feels so negative. 

So for right now I will be the little engine that could, "I think I can, I think I can, I think I can." Maybe soon it will turn into an, "I know I can!"

People all over go through things like this, and so often they pass through them and succeed with flying colours. This to shall pass and soon I will be in the land where Unicorns poop rainbows and dragon tears turn into Jelly Beans! See you all on the other side of despair, I will be there shortly.

(If I had a picture of a unicorn pooping a rainbow I'd totally put it here....Instead, a picture that gives me pure joy! Aren't these girls sublime!)